My Journey Towards Healing
Hi, it’s me again, the crazy lady who loves to talk about mental health. My journey started a long time ago, in fact it stared in April 2010 when our lovely Baba who people always remembered as a person who loved his life, a person who always had a smile on his face and someone who everyone could count on, left us to go to a place where he could be in peace. Things came crashing down when we learnt through Nepalese media that he was no more, that he had chosen to leave us, his lovely wife, 3 girls, siblings and so many other people behind him just the way his own mum had done around the same age. It pains me to think that he did not have anyone that he could talk about his problems, he did not feel like he could talk to his wife who he had spent almost 25 years of his live and was easier for him to just leave. We were a happy family who were looking forward to building a new house that was better suited our needs, we were excited to be celebrating their 25th Wedding anniversary where he wanted to remarry Mamu since Baba always felt that they did not do it right the first time. There were so many hopes and dream of my older sister doing well in her MBA degree and finally marrying to her teenage sweetheart, me going for Bachelors in Nursing in New Zealand and my younger sister going to India for her BBA on Presidential Scholarship. We all three still pursued our dreams but it was not the same with one parent missing in our life.
My mental health has been a downhill battle ever since but even so lately where I have been feeling lost about myself. I don’t recognise myself anymore, I am empty despite having a lovely husband, two lovely kids, a wonderful puppy, a stable roof over my head, a job I am passionate about and most importantly Mamu, my sisters and beautiful nieces and nephew. But things are not the same, I struggle everyday with this fatigue which is too stubborn to let me be. It haunts me every single day and it’s painful both mentally and physically to get out of bed, it’s painful to try and be there for my family and my clients who rely on me for betterment of their lives. But I have made a promise to myself and my loved ones that I will fight this battle and come out stronger on the other side. I owe this to Mamu, my sisters, Rajiv, kids and all my loved ones that I work towards healing myself. I have been in therapy for over six months now and on antidepressants for 4 months and it’s helping but I really need to heal from within, so I don’t leave this world like my Baba or Mua (Baba’s Mua) did because I don’t want my kids to go through the same trauma that I have been through.
I have been through other traumas as well in my life that I do not wish to elaborate here but I am surely working with my therapist to heal from within and be a better not bitter version of myself. This year I decided to cut ties with people that don’t bring me joy and I think it has been best decision I have made for myself. Because this year, for me, I come first. I am sorry if in a big gathering, I don’t come and say hi or Namaste since my social battery may be empty at that point. I get anxious in big crowd unlike my husband who is a people’s person and loves social gatherings. This year I am telling myself that it’s okay to be an introvert, it’s okay to only have friends that I can count on one hand and it’s okay not to be okay and I am definitely not sorry for this. I have all I need in my life and do not wish for anything more than to heal from within and I am doing everything possible to make this happen.
I hope I am creating an environment for my kids and everyone around me where they can talk about not being okay and that’s it’s okay to feel feeing. Mental health should be something that people can talk about and not hide, it should not be such a taboo subject that people would rather rot on the inside rather than expressing themselves.
I am teaching my kids that it’s good to have boundaries and say no to a hug, a touch, or a kiss if they are not comfortable with it. I am teaching them it’s okay not to share their special toys with anyone if they don’t want to, if people get upset, it’s not my kids’ fault that they have set healthy boundaries for themselves which totally goes against our Nepali upbringing. I want to break this cycle and dump it, so it does not continue with my children. I choose to be a safe place for them.
When I started talking antidepressants, my husband and mum were really worries that I would get used to it and wanted me to talk to my therapist and GP before I started taking them to see if I could avoid taking them. It took a lot for them to understand that I am taking supplements for my brain since there is a chemical imbalance in my system and that medication would help me balance the chemicals rather than causing any harm. I don’t blame them for taking their time to understand as it’s how we all as Nepalese have been brought up. Funny enough I was prescribed Iron supplements the very next day for Iron deficiency and had no questions about why I was talking them. We take painkillers when we are pain, puts harmful chemicals through our body to kill harmful cells if we have cancer, take antibiotics for infection, you can see where I am going with this, then why be ashamed to take antidepressants to balance our chemicals where something is not right with our brain?
Sorry for such a long piece but this had to be said. It’s not fair to anyone to lose a love one to a battle with mental health and I definitely refuse to lose this battle. I am too precious to me to do that.
